[30 Oct 2006|10:33pm] this is actually a sorta post. documenting real stories instead of just my fake life. not to say that nothing i write about isn't true. because it is. it's just under a different light than what i really appear to be giving. my heart is my home. and that's what's here. yeah, i speak ostentiously, i speak with meter and rhyme and timing. i avoid prose like the plague sometimes. i was nervous though. this shouldn'tve been on me. look at myself, the liar, the cheater that i am, i've never confessed my sins and here i was forgiving someone for every burden that's been put on their life. they said it'd be a nice gesture considering my position. i appear things to people. even those who tell them, yeah, that's who i am. i constantly deceive them. i am he who deceives. and here i was. knowing that my name. the good faith i have. all of this was for naught and i was placed in this moment. to baptize with water and fire this woman who was still clear and crying as she died. i never really spoke of that day to anyone. i told her it went fine. was i lying? obviously. i live for deception. as the fakest of the fake, i alone have control. Call me gregory house if you will. For being so blessed with a kind soul, i control everything. i am the greatest of control freaks, yet never appear to care. Everything is blase. And this moment, in the gray room. I spoke words that were too good to be lies out of my mouth. apples covered in honey. the true fruit of the promised land. The bible in my hand, a bottle of eau d'our lady of lourdes. Everything seemed so perfect if my ever-perceptive self couldn't say that everything was out of place from my position. It was me, this dying woman, and her family. I didn't want to tell them i couldn't go through with this, i'm a fraud, i'm a cheat, i'm a liar. I know we all our, but this is my lifeblood. All my life i pretend as if things don't bother me. I don't get angry, i don't involve other people. i am truely this glass case of emotion. i'm detached, separated, truely stoic and not of this world. i'm a humanist, constantly focused on what's in my best interest, who will sleep with me? who will do shit for me? who will touch me, tell me everything's alright and still will be ignorant to whatever lies i tell them? who touch me, tell me everything's alright, and will know when i'm lying, give me shit, and still love me even if i do? i end up hurting everyone i'm with, and i'm alright with that, i know that's going to happen. that's life. but how you pick yourself up from it, how you build after the break, that's where real men lie. i knew i was a fraud, but this was above it, i had a task, a duty, something to really become. i don't hold grudges, i used that as my alibi for being god for a minute. i absolved her in nomini patri et filii et spiritus sancti. i had done my duty. this woman was to die. i don't know why she didn't ask for a man of more moral qualifications, but then again, why do things happen? for reasons that people cannot explain, not even me. i try to explain away everything, why i can't fall in love, why i can never be rich, why i can be all i want to be, why i can't take myself seriously... but this. this was concrete as i sat there and watch her die in her daughters arms. this is the way we were meant to be. to live to die. nomore. 2 comments|post comment

[18 Oct 2006|11:27pm] excuse me i built this hall built out of concrete and structure i built it out of mortar i built it out of stone this is my house. this is my home. i lay my head down. i feed my kids. i cry myself to sleep at night. i cry to myself alone. these are my four walls they collapse down on me call me a solid rock you can depend on me a little flower in the cracks stolen the strict facade. i pluck the flower and crush it these living walls of flesh and marrow draw me a new plan pull me some more clay build me a voice that carries in the hall call me jericho, call me judah i am the fallen prince without a red badge dumas for the glory and the prison of the pages chapter by chapter stone by stone till i bury us under, love post comment

[09 Oct 2006|04:27pm] there's a gap to fall through, and it's right between your fingers to jump through to burn down. houses and blocks and neighborhoods. street signs kill memorials to letting the dead stay still take these two roads. every hand picked motion every simple drawing on the wall. things were never that easy we just let things breathe we just let things breathe when we were younger. things just were we just let things breathe we never saw the writings on the wall we just let things breathe. i don't believe i'm choking. post comment

[28 Sep 2006|10:12am] canned goods and stolen plates i can't remember your own name from the seeds on the earth half hours of silence. we dream only to die. carry this human shame across panels of red and white. and black. as if there was anything else to find the curious cats laughing only in the quiet, and the silent. how is this still there? the beating of the still fallen earth you ask me my name. i tell you, i am he who is no more. split me in half. and carry me with you. carry me in you. summer dates and pizza plates you think nothing goes on nora, i shake down this button of mine. relax darling, i'm not hard to find. i'm here in hell come on come on move on speak from a dictionary when its so hard to hear you. i'm not laughing, i'm not dying. post comment

[20 Sep 2006|10:15pm] [ music | cursive - lament of pretty baby ] burn me alive. let me blow in the wind. post comment

[12 Sep 2006|11:17pm] the box is too small to draw me in so tight we drink of men pinots for god we shared it all before as we drive off the rode this night just you me and the prince draw me a home smaller and smaller we go when we stood ten feet apart you me and the little sheep we are as tall as trees alive in the ice and snow we shatter so so so so far apart your body breaks drain the blood from your fingers on the white coat it's not a ram it's not an elephant it's just you me and the prince i found your stash in my shoe. i run flat footed, i left it for you. 3 comments|post comment

[12 Sep 2006|12:23am] ive found a way an arms race to your nave telekinetic grace the beauty of cadence gentle breathing of life inside in time, step in time shake the clock out make the men stop their feet this patio outside holds cold air and sheltered vices don't show me the rain the collapse of the ancients it's been so long since anyone has taken me alive. arabia, perhaps. the plan. when you cant find, can't touch can't see, is it faith or love? did i think you were jealous? she gave herself to kasperov. post comment

[14 Nov 2005|01:27am] i just want to be like a necklace post comment

v.2 so, like boobs, it doesn't like the airwaves [01 Nov 2005|08:06pm] so i wrote something and i just want to say something about yesterday. it's okay about what happened. but i don't approve of how you handled it. like it honestly worried me to see you like that... and i know wes worried too... it's okay to feel the way you do. it's not okay to handle it like you did. that's why i was saying, it's okay. and it's gonna be okay. besides... i'm glad your coming back. 2 comments|post comment

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